Bad Sex

This is SO hard to write about, or even think about for that matter [cringe]. It’s happened to everyone (or so I’d like to believe). Usually there are some redeeming qualities about getting down and naked, but nobody wants to experience the awkward, terrible, even humiliating minutes of a sexual encounter that goes sideways. It’s like an out of body experience, watching a car wreck, while you’re naked and utterly confused.

Are there ways to avoid the problem? Perhaps. Can a deteriorating intimate moment be brought back from the brink? Unclear. Do you tell your sexual partner how bad it was? Ugh, where to even begin…

Bad sex can erupt from a number of places: nervousness, anxiety, overeagerness, exhaustion, emotional distress, incompatible… parts, maybe a lack of true blow-you-away attraction, and, of course, the overarching issues of either too much taking, or too much giving.

Nobody claims that finding the right balance of attraction, physical compatibility, generosity, or communication is easy – but when two or more of these categories are out of sync, it can lead to disaster between the sheets. The question isn’t necessarily WHY does bad sex happen to good people, it’s what the fuck to do when it’s not fucking going well.

I wish I had thought more about this before it happened to me (famous last words). I never thought I’d have an encounter that left me so baffled, and so terrified that it might happen again. I mean, the first time with someone is always a crapshoot, but never in my life have I been left scratching my head, and reaching for my vibrator.

After the fact, it’s easy to think of all the things I personally could have done to attempt corrective action. I’m not shy. I’m not inexperienced. And I’m certainly not “fine” with mediocre fuckery. So I’m sitting here wondering what I could have done, and definitely planning for (GOD FUCKING FORBID) what I’d do next time…

Now, everyone has their own preferences when it comes to the bedroom (or wherever else you decide to get down), but there are some particular red flags. When I told the NGBC that I’d had an awkward encounter, I was immediately met with a barrage of possible ways things can end up wrong. Here they are (feel free to add yours in the comments section below):

Tales From the Land of Bad Sex :

  1. The JackRabbit
    • Anyone who’s ever had sex with an inexperienced male before knows what we’re talking about here. There’s nothing like feeling like you’re a piece of asphalt getting the daylights pounded out of you with no signs of finesse.
  2. The Taker
    • Oh, the fact that I was wet meant I was ready for thrusting? You want me to go down on you for forty-five-fucking minutes, but you only have time for a few flicks of the tongue? Generosity is the key to great sex. Don’t be a taker.
  3. The Quickie (you weren’t aware was a quickie)
    • Oh… you’re done? Already?
  4. Too much tongue
    • Stop shoving your tongue all the way down my esophagus. Period.
  5. Not enough “tongue”
    • This one’s not hard. Any human who is trying to make someone with a clitoris orgasm should get nice and comfy with using their tongue in all sorts of ways. This is not rocket science. There are no work arounds. Get on board.
  6. The Talker
    • Communication is key, but let’s not talk about your mother’s birthday party while any part of you is inside me, okay?
  7. The Pusher
    • If the words “I’m not into that”, “Can we slow down”, “I’ve never done that”, or “I’m not interested” ever cross my lips, don’t try to convince me how good it’s going to feel. Fuck off, and find someone else.
  8. The Cryer
    • Apparently this is a thing.
  9. The Goldielocks problem
    • Too big. Too small. Not enough. Too much. I think this happens to everyone at some point in their lives. Men. Women. Young. Old. Meh. There are workarounds to almost every “size” issue.


Things I wished I had done differently:

It’s easy to say : “Oh, I just shouldn’t have slept with that person”, or “Never again”. It’s easy to justify, and blame the other person. It’s weirdly fun to gossip with your book club about this crazy thing that happened. It’s also really disappointing, embarrassing, and in my case frightening. Did my last lover ruin me with great sex? Will I ever find a partner who I can enjoy great sex with again? These are the things that will haunt my nightmares and orgasms for years to come. The Ghosts of Orgasms Past, sigh.

So, I leave you with my thoughts of things I will do better next time events seem to be going south between the sheets (not in the good way):

  1. Stop.
  2. Say something. (I mean, to be fair, I did… and I didn’t). When someone is struggling to please you, you definitely want to be kind, but sometimes assertive is better.
  3. Change it up. Down. Over. Up. On top. Whatever.
  4. Practice the phrase, “We’re going to have to go again, because I know we can do better.” Because, sometimes, things end… abruptly. Perhaps unintentionally, so knowing there’s a phrase that’s not embarassing or blaming might just be the way to go, or come, or whatever.










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